In Mexico, a new and far deadlier epidemic

Mexico City -- In the last week or so, the country of Mexico-particularly its capital city-has been struck hard by an outbreak of swine flu that has reportedly killed more than a hundred people and infected hundreds more. But in the wake of the swine flu outbreak stands the emergence of a much more dangerous epidemic that threatens to bring the country to its knees. Its name: cabin fever.

With new mandates by the Mexican government forcing people out of the streets, supermarkets, and soccer [football] stadiums, people of the country have begun to feel the effects of this new virus almost immediately. "For the first few days of the lock down, I felt fine, normal," said Ricky Jain, a resident of Mexico City. "But the last few days have been awful. I have no where to go and nothing to do except sit in front of the tiny television my family owns and watch reruns of my grandma's favorite telenovela. This television is small--I mean really, really small. And I hate telenovelas."

"It's true," said a high-ranking member of the Mexican Federal Health Services Department who requested that his name remain anonymous. "We have been receiving dozens of reports every day citing new cases of this so-called 'cabin fever.'" The virus appears to be affecting those in the 12-30 age range most heavily, especially patients who already have a history of short attention spans or chronic boredom. Symptoms include patchy white skin, bloodshot eyes, and feelings of strong desire to break things, especially windows. When asked about the rate at which people were contracting the virus, the official said, "50-50. Since you'll either catch the virus, or you won't."

For the average Mexican citizen, avoiding the virus has become a deadly waiting game. "I feel like a chicken with its head cut off," said Jorge Ortiz. Then, clarifying his statement: "Well, more like a normal chicken who is just sitting around on the couch with nothing to do but look at funny videos on youtube. I mean, sure, maybe there is an hour or so of good footage out there, but after that you're really just fishing." Mr. Ortiz preceded to show me a compilation of clips he'd made that included four different laughing babies and a sneezing panda cub, which I had to admit were pretty cute.

Unfortunately for Mexicans, it appears as if there is no end in sight for this untimely confluence of infectious disease. "It's starting to sound like the swine flu isn't that big of a deal, pretty much like every other pandemic scare that we've seen in the last 15 years or so," said the public health official. "But this 'cabin fever' is a different beast altogether. We're going to have to keep people locked up in their homes to avoid any further spread of the disease until we find out what's causing it, even those people living in log structures out in the woods somewhere. It's probably the worst for them."